After I came home from New York, I gave myself the mental timeline of four months.
Four months marked New Years Eve.
I thought it could be as simple as that, but alas, breakups are never black and white. They are never easy and there is no way in hell you can give yourself a time in which to “be over it”.
That said, there are things you can do to make yourself better. To grow, to learn and to flourish in your new life.
I came up with a few tips on how to get over that initial bump and how begin mending your heart to truly get through a breakup.
Now, these do not apply everyone. If you and the person you are separating from are in a mutual agreement that you can be friends (does that ever really work?) or you can stand to be around eachother/talk and not go crazy, then by all means, skip these next few tips.
But for those of you that are like me, that are hurting a little too much and can’t seem to get past the heartbreak, read on.
Oh and also, if you’re currently reading this and hurting, send me a message. I’m here for you. You’ve got this.
How to: Deal With A Breakup:
• 1 •
Do. Not. Message. Him
Now, this one is dependent on how you guys left off. If you want to get back with him, but know you shouldn’t and he doesn’t reach out to you, do. not. message him.
When you’re feeling weak and empty, message a friend or your sisters (or me!). Someone who genuinely cares about you and will be there for you in your moment of weakness.
I know it’s the most difficult thing to do. You just want to know how he’s doing, what he’s doing… who is he doing it with. He better not be doing it. What if he is doing it?! You should probably text him and just say hi.
Just kidding. Don’t. You know what is worse than texting him? Nothing.
Best case scenario he texts you back, then what? You have some meaningless conversation about how you’re both doing “well”? It’s useless and demeaning. Always.
Every single day – no, scratch that… Every single hour that you are able to go without texting him is an hour closer to getting over the heartache. Think about how sick you’ll feel when/if he doesn’t text you back.
He used to be the most important person in your life and you desperately want some type of contact to reassure yourself that he hasn’t forgotten you, but now is not the time.
Wait one month. One full month. This piece of advice I got from Kelsey. She told me that if you can get through one entire month without texting him and you still desperately want to reach out after one month, you can let yourself. Now, if you successfully make it past those grueling 30 days, reassess and test yourself – can you do it again? Can you wait another month? I know you can.
Wait until it really truly doesn’t hurt, then, and just maybe then, you can send a note.
There’s a quote from Ayn Rand’s book The Fountainhead that I adore:
Toohey: “Mr. Roark, we’re alone here. Why don’t you tell me what you think of me? In any words you wish. No one will hear us.”
Roark: “But I don’t think of you.”
• 2 •
Delete him from your social media life.
For now, at least.
Unfollow him on Instagram. You do not need to accidentally “like” a photo he posted 12 weeks ago because you’re creeping so hard and crying yourself to sleep whilst reminiscing about the good ol’ times. Seriously. Start following things that make you excited about life instead. Travel blogs, cooking pages, quotes, fashion icons, whatever it is that makes your heart happy, find those and follow them instead. Fill your feed with things that motivate you.
Unfollow his best friends (he gets to keep those and you will see his life passing you by through them). One of the hardest things, I found, was seeing photos of Mr.NYC living everyday life and not being a part of it. Every time a photo would pop up it brought me way down and that sad feeling would linger for hours, sometimes even days. The less you see, the less you’ll be reminded and the faster you’ll move on.
Delete him off of Facebook – better yet, delete your Facebook. If you’re one of those “I only have Facebook because I have soooo many photos on there that I can’t get rid of, but I’m never on it” types, let me tell you this:
a) You’re lying (you have Facebook for the same reason we all do: To creep.)
b) You can (with a small amount of effort) get all of those albums downloaded onto your computer and put onto external devices. OR you could be super old fashioned and get the best ones printed out and make an album. Its much more satisfying going through a photo album with friends than going through some randoms facebook album. I promise.
If you really do love Facebook, by all means keep it, but do not go and check up on him. I made the very stupid mistake of constantly looking at Mr. NYC’s page to see if he had new friends, if they were girls, if he’d checked in anywhere with anyone… It was agonizing and really over the top.
Give your heart and your brain a break and go offline.
• 3 •
Work on yourself.
The better person you become, the better person you’ll attract in the long run. I know it’s easier to grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and some good wine whilst “Netflix n’ Chilling” – and that’s TOTALLY okay, but you also need to become friends with an activity.
Move your body and sweat. You will think more clearly when you’re endorphins are flowing. Hell go on a hike (here’s a list of my 10 favorites).
If you’re sitting, eating, feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in self pity, you’re going to bring yourself way down. Be your own damn hero. Pick yourself up and show the world how to come back even better.
Fiona once told me “You’ll meet your person when you least expect to. You meet interesting and adventurous people by becoming interesting and adventurous.” There is no rush. Give yourself a break and really take care of yourself. Baby steps.
You become interesting by being interested. What are you attracted to? Be curious.
Focus so hard on becoming the best person possible that it envelopes you. You ARE strong. The absolute hardest part about getting started is just that: starting. Once you get a routine down it’ll become part of you.
Remember this too: You are the 6 people you spend the most time with. Surround yourself with those you look up to and idolize. Memorize their admirable traits and copy them.
Also, if all else fails think of this… If you run into him on the street, do you want him to think “Damn, she really let herself go.” or “Damn. She’s doing way better on her own. She’s happy, fit and glowing.”
I can confidently say 100% of us prefer the latter – and the only person to decide that fate: You.
• 4 •
The best revenge is becoming fucking awesome. Becoming uninterested in impressing anyone and more interested in truly pursuing what makes YOU happy is the key ingredient for a good life.
So this one relationship didn’t work. I assure you it’s not the end of the world. Sure it’s disappointing but you will be over this in a matter of time. You’ll slowly figure out exactly why it wasn’t right and even though it will always sting your heart, even just a little, you will move on.
You will see them move on. This is the kicker. Unfortunately in this day in age it’s extremely difficult not to see what your past love is up to. Even if you don’t have him on any social media, you two shared a life together. Family, friends, coworkers, they’ve connected with this person. New relationships blossomed from this connection and they will be constant reminders of why you’re connected.
When they tell you “hey, Mr. Ex has a new girl!” hopefully you’ll be able to smile and, as the great Adele once said “send my love to your new lover, treat her better”.
• 5 •
Do something that is going to scare you more than not being with that person. Sabrina, one of my best friends from highschool taught me a very valuable lesson when I came home. She too was going through a breakup and was utterly broken. She was scared of not being with him anymore, afraid of the person he was going to become without her and heartbroken over the idea of him moving on.
The truth is, you’re going to think about this stuff, it’s inevitable. The key is to scare yourself shitless, and more than once.
Sabrina and I decided to jump off a bridge… with a bungee attached to ourselves of course. I didn’t expect it to be as terrifying as it was. I was completely fine until the moment I got to the end of the ledge. It was time to trust the fall and let myself go.
If this isn’t your cup of tea, there are a million different things you can do. Go to a karaoke bar or an open-mic night, get up in front of everyone and sing your heart out.
Plan a solo trip. Maybe somewhere FAR like, South America, Australia or Asia. Or do something local, even a weekend camping trip will do wonders for your mind.
Do things that scare you more than not being with that person and it will soon become more addicting than being with them once was.
• 6 •
Now you’re alone. Realize that, accept that and appreciate it. You can finally do exactly what it is you want to do. I find a lot of people are constantly in a crazed search for their next romantic partner not realizing how wonderful it is to be on your own.
Don’t sell yourself short, you deserve the most romantic, heart-pounding love there is, not a crappy one night stand. You won’t find it by searching, it’ll find you when you least expect it. So stop searching for love and start searching for adventure, for life and for yourself.
Where do you want to go? Go.
Who do you want to be? Be.
Next stop for me? Peru!
Stay tuned for that crazy ass story.