Okay, so this next part I’m not proud of.
Mr. NYC and I had been living together just over a month. I had one week before I was heading to Vancouver to visit my family for Christmas.
It was Friday night and we both had separate plans; I was going out with Steph and Mary and he was going out with some pals. Steph, Mur and I all went drinking at multiple establishments. With these two, we could never stop at a “glass” of wine. It would start with one glass, lead to a bottle, which led to three bottles, then cocktails and so on.
When I got home around midnight, Mr.NYC was long gone in the bed. I could tell from his snoring that he must have drank a ton as well. I wasn’t ready to sleep so I put the TV on. I could hear buzzing coming from somewhere but my phone had no new messages.
Drunk Lyndsey decided to do some investigating… obviously it was Mr.NYC’s phone. His phone was blowing up with messages, all names I recognized, or so I thought. A name… “Miss Loser” we’ll call her for all intents and purposes, popped up. Now I was interested.
I unlocked his phone and read through her messages. They’d been talking a lot. I knew in that moment that I should put the phone down, but I didn’t.
If you are in a relationship with someone and you have questions, you ASK them about what’s on your mind. At this point, that’s what I should have done, but no, I kept the investigation process going.
On November 13th, (the day before I moved into Mr.NYC’s apartment) the following messages were exchanged.
** Disclaimer: Micaelan had been visiting at this time and we were having a last girls night out on the town. Mr. NYC knew this, and also knew that we’d be staying at Deb’s house for the night so we could finish packing. **
How are you feeling
after last night.
That was crazzzzy. 😉
Not feeling great.
Watching Suits and
Ha. I’d expect
nothing less 😉
On my way now.
What’s your address again???
1XX East 1Xth.
See you soon
Drunk Lyndsey’s thoughts: DA FUK DID I JUST READ.
I threw his phone back on the couch and covered my mouth in shock. No fucking way. No FUCKING way. Who the hell is this loser and why did she come over the night before I moved in?! Why was she in the house again the morning after? What happened “last” night?!
I know, know, this could be nothing. Maybe they were out as friends or in a group and they got wasted and then were laughing about it the next day. Who knows?
But why the hell are they using winky faces? And why the hell was she over here alone in the morning drinking mimosas. No, you know what, I’d be fine with that, but why wasn’t I ever told about this? I was told about all of his other “girl” friends. We were all friends. Why had I never, ever heard of this one before?
Needless to say, I didn’t sleep that night. I woke up with puffy eyes from crying and a soar ass back from laying on the couch. I had one more week and then I’d be home, I knew I could confide in my sisters. I just needed to make it through that week.
Note to reader: Don’t go through other people’s phones. IF you think they are hiding something from you, ask them. If you think they’re lying, dump their ass: you obviously don’t trust them and there’s probably a reason for it.
Do not. Do not, do not.
Do not go through their phone.
Mr.NYC was going to come to Vancouver for the second time to spend some time with my family (he came in September to join for a wedding) and this time he’d be spending New Years with us. I was beyond excited to ring in the New Year with him, but I also had a ton of anxiety building up from the texts I’d discovered a few days prior.
I confided in both of my sisters to try and figure out what my next step was.
First up, Kelsey:
“Okay. Wow. Well, don’t tell him… yet. You need to talk to him and casually bring this girl’s name up, see what his reaction is. That said, you need to wait until he gets here. If you say anything now you won’t know the truth in his face and he’ll have more time to come up with a great excuse.”
Kelsey then asked Stephen, her boyfriend, what I should do.
“Well, she shouldn’t have looked in his phone. BUT, now that she has, he can never know. He will turn this around and it will not end well. She can never tell him what she’s done but she does need to bring her name up. It doesn’t matter how Lyndsey knows about Miss Loser, what matters is that she finds out if something else is going on or not.”
Okay, okay. Pretty good advice. Thanks, Kels.
Nina and I decided to share two bottles of wine and watch Elf. Then, I decided to bring it up (along with a ton of built up frustration and a shit ton of tears).
“Text that asshole RIGHT NOW and tell him you know everything. There’s no way that was innocent and he needs to know you know. Now Deed. Now. Let’s write it together.”
So, there we were: Drunk Nina and Lyndsey crafting a text to Mr. NYC.
Hey.. I’ve been feeling
super off lately and need to
get something off of my chest.
…who is Miss Loser.
Hey baby, how r u?
What’s going on?
Miss Loser’s just an old
Okay. Well I’m not
proud of this, but
I went through your phone
and I know you two hung out
the night before I moved in
and I also know she came over
in the morning and drank
mimosas with you.
First of all, she’s no one.
If you saw a photo of her you’d
know I wouldn’t touch
her with a 10 foot pole.
Secondly, what the fuck Lynds.
You went through my phone!?
Why the fuck did you do that.
I would never do that to you.
I tried calling him and he wouldn’t answer. I immediately knew I did the wrong thing.
After trying a few more times, he called me back.
He was REALLY mad at me. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to come for New Years anymore. He said there were private messages with his mom and his friends on there. I tried to make the situation better by telling him that theirs was the only conversation I had read, and it was true, but it just made things worse.
He was so mad and I was so ashamed. I felt like absolute shit. In that moment, I felt like an idiot for not trusting him. I didn’t see it at the time, but he was manipulating the situation. We never got to the point of the initial text: Who the hell is she and why was she over that morning. What had they done the night prior?
Those questions I will never know the answers to and I’ve only recently figured out how to let that go.
Note to self: Do not write investigatory texts whilst drunk. Ever.
Mr.NYC did end up coming to Vancouver, he asked to just forget it and pretend it never happened. “Brush it under the rug”. We did just that.
In hindsight, I should have stood up for myself and had a more in depth conversation about what had happened. Yes, I went through his stupid phone, but he needed to get over that: It happened, I couldn’t take that back, but the mature next step would have been a conversation about why I felt the need to do that in the first place.
I wasn’t planning on finding anything, but I did. Yes, I was in the wrong for looking in his phone, but we never dealt with the situation.
I should have taken Kelsey and Stephen’s advice and gone about it all in a different way, reverse the blame. God knows he did.
The thing is, when it’s right and the relationship you are in is built on trust, you will never have the need to “investigate”. I was younger when this happened, only newly 21. I most definitely made a mistake, but my intuition was leading me in that direction.
Women’s intuition is so strong. We know when things are not adding up and we know when something is wrong. The best thing you can do is trust that intuition and stand up for yourself. At the end of the day, you’re really all you’ve got.