Last year I traveled around Peru writing what I thought was going to be a book. I wrote about New York, love (the good and the ugly), traveling and how to be single… and happy…
I thought it’d be interesting to share the “prologue” with you and slowly release the pages on here instead.
“This is as bad as it’s going to get. In this exact moment right here, right now. I promise you Deed. If you can get through these next couple moments, it will only get better from here on out. Get through it. Breathe. This is as bad as it is going to be”. – Kelsey coaching me on the phone as I cried harder than I ever have leaving New York in a yellow cab.
I couldn’t breathe. Life as I knew it was over. Mr. NYC was getting smaller as the cab drove away and I was becoming more and more hysterical. I thought this would be easier – he’d broken my heart and now it was time for a new chapter. In the back of my mind I felt like I knew this was coming for quite some time, I knew Mr. NYC was not the man I was going to marry. That wasn’t always the case though; when I fell for him I fell hard.
Let’s back it up a bit. I arrived in New York City on December 30th 2013. There was an unstoppable force pushing me to the city. I’d heard that if you could make it in New York, you could make it anywhere so I wanted to put myself to the test and see if I had what it took. I was recently single after breaking up with my high school sweetheart. I needed excitement, I needed change. I knew New York City would have all of it so I booked a plane ticket and then began searching for an internship.
Let me tell you this: It doesn’t matter what you know or how well you are versed in certain aspects of life, all that matters is how well you can fake it. Fake it till you make it baby.
When I was in College I had decided to take my final (also known as an Internship) in New York. It’s terrible to say, but I didn’t care much about where I was going to work, just what city I would be in. I knew I had to make it happen. I applied at a few different Music Management and Public Relations companies and heard back from two: Island Def Jam and Private New York City (name has been changed).
I had a Skype call with PRIVATE and got the job that same day. Chelsea, the interviewer, asked the usual questions: Tell me a bit about yourself, what are your greatest strengths/weaknesses. And then the final (which threw me off) If you were an animal what would you be and why?
Supposedly my answer to this question was the reason I was hired. I said, without hesitation:
“Because I can imagine nothing better than waking up from a long nap in the summer, eating as much as possible to fatten myself up and then sleeping all winter only to wake up skinny and do it all again.”
So I was really doing this. New York wasn’t just a plane ticket anymore. I was actually moving to New York City to work for a company and start “adulting”.
Long story short, I did it. I lived in New York City, I dated, then fell in love. I made a life for myself that some can only dream of. But what I’ve always promised myself is that I will never ever let a guy take advantage of me and I will never fall victim to staying in an unhappy situation; there is always a way out. I give love endlessly, always have, always will. I believe that a relationship is a two way street and if one party is working tirelessly while the other is doing god knows what, it’s not going to work.
I learned the very hard way that I was much more invested in the relationship than Mr. NYC was. My heart was shattered. I had to pick up the pieces and tirelessly try to glue them back together.
Do I blame him? Not really.
Well, maybe a little, but I am no longer bitter.
I understand that it didn’t work because of him, but it also didn’t work because of me. It wasn’t meant to be, it REALLY wasn’t. I didn’t know it at the time, but life was about to get so much better. I didn’t realize how young I really was and that I didn’t have to have it all figured out in that moment in time. Hell, I’m still a baby and now I feel like the fact that I know I don’t have to have it all figured out makes me so much wiser than when I thought I had it all.
I really really did. I thought I had life completely figured out, I thought I had beat the system. I was only 21 and I had the job, the friends, the boyfriend, the apartment and the life in the “best” city in the world. I was set. I was ready to marry him, get a VISA, make a life with him. I would have followed that boy across the world if it meant I got to fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his kisses.
The thing is, all of that means nothing if it’s not mutual. When you find that one “true” love, the person you’re supposed to spend forever with you’ll just know. They will love you as much as you love them, but they’ll constantly tell you they love you more and they’ll truely mean it.
The hardest part is knowing when to let go. When to give it all up and start fresh. What you need to remember is that you will heal, it will get better, it always does. The first few moments, that’s going to be the very worst part. I promise.
These next pages are going to expose it all, the ups, the downs, from the beginning to now.
From when I was just an optimistic baby heading to New York, the beautifully naieve years in New York and then, of course, the “Great Depression”. Then, we’ll get to this moment right now, as I’m sitting here typing in the middle of the Hucachina Desert in Ica, Peru. I am so content, my heart has never been happier and I am completely alone.
I give you permission to read my diary entries, my thoughts, my dreams, my regrets and my fears. I give you permission to indulge in my pain and cheer with me through my triumphs.
Thank you for reading, for being and for listening. This, my friend, is just the beginning, and my thoughts on how and why it’s important to be single and happy, from a girl who once knew nothing about either.